I play Hitman the same way some guys play Tomb Raider. You know, when you back the character into a corner, or try to maneuver the camera in a position where you can get a good look at face, chest and bum? Yeah, I do that. Only with less emphasis on the cleavage.

I found myself doing it with Altaïr in Assassin’s Creed as well, and with Garrett the master Thief. There’s something about husky voiced hooded criminals that makes them irresistible. But Agent 47 and his endless parade of outfits takes the cake. And while my obsession with bald, well dressed sociopaths may be unsettling, I can’t be the only one that looks at the character and thinks he’s hot. I only wonder if the game creators know this.


Cause despite a plethora of disguises, there’s very little fan service to be had in the Hitman games. There is, for instance, no disguise in which he wears nothing but a pair of boxers (trust me, I looked for it). This as opposed to the female characters in, well, pretty much any game whatsoever, whose idea of armor is a chain mail bikini, or who go about their daily business in boob tubes and skirts that barely cover their usually voluptuous buttocks (granted, in GTA their daily business is probably prostitution, but are you actually going to tell me there aren’t any teachers or office workers to be found in the whole of San Andreas?).

Exhibit A

Exhibit A

I give you Exhibit A: Red Ninja, whose outfit, while distracting to any straight male in sight, can’t be all that practical for killing and jumping around rooftops. Also: red? Not a good camouflage colour!

I’ve got another one, of course.

Exhibit B

Exhibit B

This is Ivy from the Soul Calibur series. A fighting game, by the way. I’m gonna guess she only expects people to hit her on her left arm. But I’m being grumpy.

The games that do take female gamers into account are spread rather more thin. The Prince of Persia has a tendency to lose strips of clothing every few levels, which I appreciate greatly.  


And in the Sims 2 community, half the time gamers are making hunks, downloading hunks, writing stories about hunks or playing with hunks (no wait, those are feet… never mind). And guess what? Sims makes lots of money.

So here it is, a plea for more fan service for female gamers. You don’t even have to be blatant about it, it’s easy enough. Just give us good looking male characters. Not steroid filled tanks (I mean, how do they even move?), not feminine, androgynous creatures either (though I’ll admit that Sephiroth is kinda hot, if I don’t Silentpsycho will kill me, there’s a reason she calls herself psycho). And make them halfway likable or sexy (tip: husky voiced hooded guys always work wonders).

Surely, given the time and hype it took to make Lara ‘nice’, game makers can use more than the five seconds it takes to go ‘let’s get a grizzled space marine for a main character!’ or ‘that geek from half life? Let’s get him, only slightly different’. (ok, that last one is unfair. He look more like Boba Fett than Gordon Freeman)

I’m counting on you, game industry. That, or just make some more Hitman games. Please?