The internet is full of dicks. And I don’t mean the pornographic kind, though there’s quite a few of those as well (*cough* or so I’ve been told).

No, I mean the trolls. The ones that read an article (or half read, or vaguely click on it) and then start posting random crap about it. I have here, for your entertainment, a biological breakdown of trolls.

Any similarity to real people is entirely deliberate, and if you recognize yourself, please get up and leave the internets forever.

 

The OS troll

You will meet this troll on any vaguely IT-related forum or site that allows comments.  They come in three colours: greenish brown (open sourcies), shiny white (Mac worshippers) and a grayish blue (the occasional Microsoft fan).

Open sourcies seem the most numerous of these. You’ll recognize them cause they write Micro$oft, with the dollar sign. A sub category will post ‘Get Ubuntu’ under any and all articles involving software problems and they have a tendency to be vindictive. I blogged about my AVG-problems before, in which a bug in the software caused  a false positive which crashed a large amount of (mostly Windows) computers upon removal. One of the comments under a news article about this was ‘Haha. It’s your own fault for using Windows’ (and if that sounds like Nelson Muntz in your head, you’re too much like me).

Mac worshippers like to pretend they’re open sourcies, but essentially, they’re cultists. Any criticism on Mac-related products will  be met with scathing denial and screams about how the author of the article is paid by Micro$oft.

The Microsoft fan will be recognizable by his either shy or near-suicidal character. Also, no one listens to him.

 

The ‘I’m first’ troll

Has no life and needs to feel they win at something by posting first in any thread or comment section. Usually spells badly.

 

 The bot troll

Posts links to interesting sites and places where you can meet hot women or procure potency enhancing drugs. Usually spells badly.

 

The advertising troll

Closely related to the bot troll, but oddly, not always a bot. This troll is known to abuse the copy/past feature with any number of usually positive sentences (‘You’re so right’, ‘I love this’, ‘This is great’) simply to be able to get their signature (with link to their own site) out there.

 

The firestarter troll

Posts in a forum for the simple pleasure of starting a fight. Usually plays devil’s advocate. If a thread debates gay marriage and most people in the thread agree that homosexuals deserve some human rights, this troll will come in with the simple message that ‘all gay fags will burn in hell’. Usually spells badly.

 

The immature troll

Thinks u r a fag and b00bs are omg lol wtfbbq111. Spells really badly.

 

The macro troll

Is in ur thread, steeling ur arguments and making fun ov u. Also maded u a cookie, but then eated it.

Oddly enough, these troll are not always immature teens and don’t see themselves as in any way related to the above troll. In fact, they feel like their macros are a sarcastic comment on said immature troll, thereby making them part of a postmodern elite (citation needed). Spells badly, but in a parodying critique kinda way.

 

The spelling police troll

Spells perfectly and will tell you just how bad your knowledge of language is. These trolls are known for asserting that someone’s post has a spelling mistake, and so they must automatically be wrong, regardless of  the stance taken by the original poster, or the arguments used.

 

The nitpicking troll

A close relative of the spelling police troll, this creature will take a single sentence out of a whole article, whether it is meant to be ironic or not, and proceed to break down the author personally, based on said one sentence. Example: in an article on the sustainability of trees in arid environments, in which the author casually mentions they have a red laptop, this troll will post something along the lines of ‘OMG, only commies like red. U r such a fag!’. Spells badly, and is stupid.

 

The elitist troll

These trolls have some professional interest in the subject of your post or article. They either have a job that pertains to the subject (or had a job at some point in their lives), or they have studied the subject (or flunked out after one year, but it still counts!). Being professionals in the subject, these creatures will tell you that you, because you are *not* a professional, or at least not as knowledgeable as they are, are not entitled to an opinion on said subject, and must certainly not write about it.

 

 

This probably isn’t all of them. If you’ve seen a race of troll not mentioned here, do tell me 😉

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